Communicating in Conflict Passing through the flames of conflict in a healthy, productive way can strengthen a relational connection. It is possible to end up on the other side of conflict as more powerful individuals, freer to be yourselves, more confident in your love for each other, and more hopeful about your ability to meet […]
Communicating in Conflict
Passing through the flames of conflict in a healthy, productive way can strengthen a relational connection. It is possible to end up on the other side of conflict as more powerful individuals, freer to be yourselves, more confident in your love for each other, and more hopeful about your ability to meet each other’s needs. This positive outcome is dependent, however, on what you choose to do. Will you allow conflict to tear your connection apart? Or will you fight for your connection in the midst of conflict?
Building a Conflict-Resistant Connection uses these core values and guidelines of healthy communication:
From Keep Your Love On, by Danny Silk
Emotional Reactivity “We just can’t communicate.” The problem is as common as the common cold, and as surprising as an unexpected sneeze. This “communication” problem is actually a symptom of each person’s emotional reactivity. Couple’s communicate in a narrow range of predictable words, actions and reactions. This pattern increasingly limits their responses to each other […]
Emotional Reactivity
“We just can’t communicate.” The problem is as common as the common cold, and as surprising as an unexpected sneeze. This “communication” problem is actually a symptom of each person’s emotional reactivity. Couple’s communicate in a narrow range of predictable words, actions and reactions. This pattern increasingly limits their responses to each other over time.
Emotional reactivity can be thought of as a light with two primary characteristics: color and intensity. The color or the reasons for a person’s reactions is because of their unique growing-up experiences. The intensity of their reactions is the result of their expectations. In other words, a one hundred watt person connects with a one hundred watt person. A sixty watt person will not attach or bond with a one hundred watt person. The level of their emotional intensity is different and as a result they won’t end up together.
While the reasons for their connection are different, the intensity of their attachment is at the same level of intensity. For example, a man who avoids conflict at all cost may find himself attracted to a woman who is equally driven to criticize him. Their emotional reactions are different, but the level of intensity is the same. This creates a predictable pattern as they attempt to communicate.
Example: John and Carol are in this pattern driven by their emotional reactions. Over the years, John tries to be a better husband doing more chores, assuming greater responsibility, and trying to take the pressure off his wife. John’s goal in communication is agreement rather than connection. John can’t seem to be good enough and the cycle of her disappointment results in closing down, pulling away, reopening, reconnecting and trying harder. He continually looks for the approval he did not get from his father. No matter what he does or how hard he tries, he just can’t seem to communicate to Carol.
Carol, on the other hand, is numb from John’s anger and chalks it up to his inability to get beyond himself. She believes he is self-centered and everything he does is self-serving. She is just as embittered as John just in different ways and different reasons. Carol tries to get John to understand her but nothing she does works either. Carol’s diagnosis of John is a reflection of her complete focus on him and her need to be protected by her husband because her father was distant and uninvolved. John and Carol have different reasons for their emotional reactions, but the intensity of their reactions keep them stuck in this predictable pattern preventing them from being able to communicate.
(Video is at the bottom of this page.) Developing Intimacy A speech therapist invited me to make a presentation to a group of her clients. During the question and answer segment. A man across the room began stuttering to ask a question. It was obvious to everyone in the group that the word he was […]
(Video is at the bottom of this page.)
Developing Intimacy
A speech therapist invited me to make a presentation to a group of her clients. During the question and answer segment. A man across the room began stuttering to ask a question. It was obvious to everyone in the group that the word he was struggling to verbalize was “Is”. He stuttered with the word for what seemed like an eternity, but in fact was only a few seconds. His willingness to risk himself by sharing his thoughts even through his disability took incredible courage and vulnerability. Everyone in the group listened quietly suffering without trying to “help” him. Our fear was that he would just give up. While we all wanted to help him with his struggle, we were willing to suffer along side of him, believing he would eventually share his thoughts with the group.
His struggle was worth our suffering and our willingness to suffer along side of him made his struggle that much more valuable. An incredible picture of intimacy emerged from his struggle and our suffering. His courage to risk what other’s thought of him and our courage to listen without judgment brought us together in completely different ways. Intimacy in relationships thrives in struggling and suffering. One person struggles to risk vulnerability while the other person suffers through listening neither judging nor attempting to fix the other person. Taking the risk to be known is a struggle. Taking the risk to know another person for who they are, is loving them through suffering.
John often pouted and withdrew when he didn’t get his way. He committed to take the risk of sharing his thoughts and feelings openly, honestly and respectfully with Nancy. This struggle was not easy for John. Because all of his life he believed that to express Vulnerability was a weakness to be avoided. Nancy, his wife, was willing to listen without comment or trying to fix John’s struggle and suffer while John shared his thoughts and feelings openly, honestly and respectfully with her. Nancy’s fear was that he would just give up. Courageously, she listened without comment or judgment knowing that John was expereincing vulnerability as strength rather than a weakness. Nancy’s struggle to listen, remain connected and not give John advice was just as difficult as John’s struggle. John and Nancy experienced the intimacy born from struggling and suffering together.
Struggling to share your brokenness requires the courage to risk yourself with your partner. Suffering in humility to listen requires the courage to risk yourself with your partner just in different ways. Are you willing to accept your partner’s struggles even when you suffer as a result? Common Struggles for couples include: Being Transparent and Honest, Admitting Your Vulnerabilities, Trusting Your Partner, Admitting your Weaknesses and exercising Courage to be Yourself. Suffering occurs as your partner lets you know him or her more fully and completely. Suffering takes as much courage as struggling to allow your partner to come to their own conclusions even when you disagree.
Being willing to empty yourself of your agenda can be difficult but the reward for suffering is that your partner is willing to suffer on your behalf when you struggle. Struggling and suffering in your relationship transforms chemistry into character, passion into perseverance and attraction into admiration. Intimacy develops as two people are willing to struggle and suffer together.
Do You Love Me?
Saturday afternoon was passing without much fanfare. Her father was sitting in his recliner watching the college football game of the day when his six-year-old daughter walked up to the side of his chair. Reaching over, he lifted her up and into his chair. She sat comfortably next to him and with mischievousness in her eyes asked, “Daddy, do you love me?” He was not surprised by this question as he often took the opportunity to show and tell his daughter he loved her.
On this occasion, however, he answered with a question of his own, “What do you think?” Looking intently at her father, and with a whimsical grin, she replied “NO.” He thought to himself how could she say such a thing. He restrained himself from his immediate emotional response, which was to say, “Of course I love you,” and said, “OK.” They gazed at each other through the mutually awkward, but momentary distance. She inquired again, “Daddy, do you love me?” He again asked her, “What do you think?” With more determination than before, she replied, “You love my brother more than me.” Her father’s response remained the same, “O.K.” She burst into laughter and tried to take in such an unbelievable response. She thought to herself how could he say such a thing?
Again, she asked, “Daddy, do you love me?” His response was clear to him now, “What do you think?” With the compelling need to hear the ‘right’ answer, she said, “You’ve never loved me, daddy,” as she looked at her father with the anticipation only a six year old can muster up. He accepted her rejection with, “OK.” She now knew her father’s response would be the same each time she posed the question every little girl asks. Changing her response to her father for their next exchange. She asked, “Daddy, do you love me?”Not knowing her direction, he remained true to his course, “What do you think?” With a broad smile and a twinkle in her eye, she said, “Yes, daddy, you do love me.” Without allowing a moments hesitation, he replied, “Yes, princess, I do love you” and gave her the hug only a proud father could deliver.
They smiled at each other and knew that something different and strange had occurred in those few moments. Perhaps they had actually stumbled upon the essence of love.
One-day eternity was passing without much fanfare. The Father was enjoying the beauty of his creation when a young woman walked up to him in innocence and vulnerability. Reaching over, he lifted her up and into his arms. As his child sat comfortably looking into his timeless eyes the question came to mind, “Father, do you love me?” He was not surprised by this question for all of heaven and earth was created for this moment and eternity prepared for those who could receive the answer. The Everlasting Father knew the real question being asked of Him was “Am I a person who can be loved?” The Mighty Counselor asked his child, “What do you think?” Looking intently into His ageless face and hoping to escape the responsibility for her self, this little one answered, “No.”
The Prince of Peace accepting his child’s answer with grace and humility replied, “O.K.” As they gazed into each other’s eyes his creature was faced with the weight of the question behind the question: ‘Am I a person who can be loved?” She inquired again, but with more determination to tempt the Creator with even greater leverage she asked, “Father do you love me?” The Lord asked again, “What do you think?” Hoping to lure the Center of the Universe off center and with greater determination, this reckless one replied, “You love others more than me.” From the essence of love itself, the Master replied, “O.K.”
With deliverance in the balance, the Redeemer recognized the urge to protect his child, but refused to give into the fear. Because of His love and in spite of fear’s knock, the I AM remained true to his nature. Again with innocence slipping into insistence the child asked, “DO YOU LOVE ME?” “What do you think?” asked the Holy One. On the edge of despair and hoping to escape into this Other this woman impetuously declared, “You’ve never loved me!” The Lamb of God humbly replied, “O.K.”
The air was filled with awe as this little one experienced the power of God’s humility and the presumption of her hubris. Filled with gratitude, she stepped into The Light. “Am I a person who can be loved?” was answered not with an answer as much as with the encounter of love itself. She asked again, “Father do you love me?” Her Father asked in reply, “What do you think?” Without a moment’s hesitation, her heart answered through the tears, “Yes, you love me and I love you too.”
From Bond to Bind How does the bond, that starts out so fresh, alive, vital and vibrant turn into a bind that feels so heavy, oppressive, suffocating, and exhausting in couple relationships? Go back to the beginning of your relationship. On day one, What did you owe your partner and what did you deserve from your […]
From Bond to Bind
How does the bond, that starts out so fresh, alive, vital and vibrant turn into a bind that feels so heavy, oppressive, suffocating, and exhausting in couple relationships?
Go back to the beginning of your relationship. On day one, What did you owe your partner and what did you deserve from your partner? In those first few minutes what did you owe and deserve from this new person you’d just met? Nothing. Way back when, you neither owed nor deserved anything at all from each other. Two completely different people chose to spend time with each other. You couldn’t wait to call, txt, or see each other. You kept each other in your “B” position in the relationship triangle and put everything else and everybody else in your “C” position. You gave freely and received freely, neither owing nor deserving anything from each other. You took initiative to accommodate your partner and you willingly looked for ways to please each other. As a result, a bond began to form between the two of you. Both of you felt good about the relationship because you were free to be you and you were free to be in the relationship at the same time. But the bond over time turns into a bind.
How does the bond turn into a bind? The short answer is because of what you think is fair. Fairness? Yes. Most people believe that basing their relationship on what’s fair should keep it together, not be the reason it falls apart. But this is where we suspend our judgement and deceive ourselves. The problem with basing a relationship on what you think is fair is that your idea of what’s fair and your partner’s idea of what’s fair are always different because you’re different people. So what do you owe and deserve from your partner now? I would suggest that because life is not fair, you neither owe nor deserve anything from your partner today either. Now no one ever deserves to be abused or neglected, because we are person’s of worth and value, but beyond that, you neither owe nor deserve anything from your partner. Now, I’m sure you disagree with this position because you have worked so hard to keep the relationship together based on the concept of fairness. So If fairness doesn’t keep relationships together, how do two different people make a relationship work?
First, lets look at why fairness doesn’t keep relationships together. Fairness starts out with all you do “For” your partner.
The bond over time begins to turn into a bind as feelings associated with entitlement… based on all you’ve done “for” your partner… begin to surface. While you initially give gladly, freely and openheartedly without thinking about what you deserve over time you believe that you deserve acknowledgment, appreciation, recognition… something in return for all you’ve done for your partner. Trying hard to meet your partner’s every want and need you slowly begin to want and expect your partner to do the same “for” you, which just sets you up for this entitlement, disappointment, frustration and resentment. You might even think, well if someone did everything for me that I do for you, I’d bend over backward to please them or give back as much as they’d given to me. The problem is that your partner is not you. While you might bend over backward to pay another person back for all you’ve done for them, your partner is a different person who might not bend over backward for another person and your partner has the right to be different from you. And no that’s not selfish. Interestingly, you want your partner to value what you’ve done for him or her, but you’re not valuing your partner’s choices. Instead you’re using leverage in an attempt to get your partner to appreciate, value and attend to you like you want him or her too… Clearly, this doesn’t work.
Leverage
When you’re doing all that you’re doing “for” your partner and telling your partner all you’re doing “for” him or her, you’re using leverage. Whether you recognize it or not you end up building a case against your partner based on all the “good” things you’ve done “for” him or her. These “good” things turn into “bad” things from your partner’s perspective because you leverage your partner or obligate him or her to you. Let me give you an example. A wife accommodates her husband by putting off her plans and expects her husband to accommodate her by spending time with her. She gets angry when he spends more time focusing on tasks around the house or at work… when she’s put her plans off “for him.” Her anger is a function of leveraging him to appreciate that she has put her plans off when he doesn’t even know what’s happened or A husband takes his wife to dinner and expects sex afterward. That’s leverage too. Does she owe him sex? No. His anger is a function of the leverage or obligation he believes she has toward him. This doesn’t work in relationships.
How do you respond when someone attempts to leverage you? Many years ago, my wife and I were invited to a neighbors house to enjoy a gumbo dinner. Two months later, I heard a knock on my front door. It was their sixteen year old son.
Opening the door, I asked him how I could help him. He said,”That gumbo y’all had over at the house was good wasn’t it.”
I said, Yes, what do you want? He replied, “I’m selling Pecans for my school. Want to buy some?” He was attempting to leverage me using two month old gumbo, that had nothing to do with pecans… to get me to buy his pecans. Did he trust I wanted to help him with his school project? NO. He didn’t know that I gladly support neighborhood schools and would have been happy to purchase the biggest bag of pecans he was selling. That day, I wish i could tell you I still bought the biggest bag of pecans he was selling, but I bought the smallest bag of pecans because I didn’t appreciate his attempts at leveraging me.
He thought I owed it to him to buy his pecans. He turned the generosity of his parents into a debt or obligation he thought I had to repay. You could be doing the same thing. You can turn the generosity you exhibit toward your partner, into an obligation or debt when you think your partner should react in specific ways back to you.
In fact, when your reaction is anger, you’re revealing that what you’ve done “for” your partner is really “for” yourself to leverage your partner, but it hasn’t worked and you’re angry because your leverage, debt or obligation didn’t work. This undermines the trust in your relationship because leverage is based on fear rather than love. The fear is that if you don’t do all kinds of things “for” your partner he or she won’t do anything “for” you. If you trusted your partner really wanted to invest himself or herself in you, you wouldn’t have to point out all you do “for” your partner. You would give to and receive freely from your partner. John often came home from work and would tell Nancy about his day. He expressed how exhausted he was and how hard his day had been. In moments of frustration he would remind her how he didn’t go to bars, he didn’t go out with his friends and how he was such a good husband. As John continually made his point over and over again, Nancy increasingly felt obligated to John and eventually told him to please go out with his friends. She was sick and tired of hearing how she needed to appreciate all he was doing “for” her. Typically, not knowing what else to do, you do more of what doesn’t work, expecting different results which is the definition of insanity.
The Bond turns into a Bind because you in the “A” position, have placed what you think is fair, right or reasonable in your “B” position, being more loyal to what you think is “fair”, you put your partner is your “C” position. When two people in a relationship are more loyal to what they think is fair, a conflict of wills develops in the relationship and the tension builds with both people resisting the leverage their partner exerts on them. This will-conflict is the cancer that eats away at the trust in a relationship with both people armed to the teeth defensive and full of resentment toward each other. I’ve seen people do things out of this conflict of wills they would have never done if they weren’t caught up in this will conflict. So if what you think is fair doesn’t hold the relationship together, but is the actual reason relationships fall apart, what does hold relationships together?
How do you get out of this conflict of wills or stop this constant tension that develops because you are being more loyal to what you think is fair than to your partner? Rather than doing “for” your partner, with expectations of your partner, an alternative way of having a relationship is to give yourself “to” your partner with no stings attached. Now, if you’re like most people, you’ve been trying to keep your relationship together using fairness for so long it will take some time to think differently. So let me say it again, rather than doing “for” your partner which results in anger, frustration, disappointment and resentment, giving yourself “To” your partner, No Strings attached means you are giving FROM a position of trust and strength rather than FOR your partner’s approval or acceptance based on the fear you won’t get these if you don’t operate from fairness. Giving freely and releasing any expectations of getting anything back from your partner is refreshing and attractive. Now, let me ask you, is your partner going to realize what you’ve done and appreciate all you’ve done in your timing and in your way? Absolutely not, because he or she is a different person. So from the moment you give yourself “TO” your partner, no strings attached to the time that your partner does realize, appreciate or acknowledge what you’ve done, you will have to trust God to sustain you. This is where you grow as a person in the relationship. This is how you work on the relationship while you are also in the relationship. This is where you grow as a person, knowing that you can give more than you ever thought you could give because your giving is not dependent on your partner, but the result of all that you’ve received in Gratitude from God.
Ultimately, the foundation of who you are from this stance of gratitude and having received freely from God develops your character and identity and holds your relationship together. You choose each other, FROM a place of belonging, strength and courage beyond yourselves Not FOR the acceptance and approval of your partner … This foundation of who you are begins with giving and receiving freely rather than based on fear and fairness. The bind that is destroying your relationship can return to a bond as you surrender to loving your partner Freely. This is the subject of the next video segment.
Questions to Consider
1. Rather than using leverage, why can’t a person just ask for what he or she wants directly?
2. Is will-conflict built into couple relationships because of our differences?
3. Do all couples experience will-conflict?
4. If fairness doesn’t keep relationships together what does?
5. Why can’t two people just agree on what’s fair and go from there?
(Video is at the bottom of this page.) How to Make Sure Your Relationship Doesn’t Work! Suppose I am a Banker and you want to borrow one hundred thousand dollars from my bank. I say, “I’m glad you’ve come into my bank today because I have a hundred thousand dollars at only twenty-one percent (21%) […]
(Video is at the bottom of this page.)
How to Make Sure Your Relationship Doesn’t Work!
Suppose I am a Banker and you want to borrow one hundred thousand dollars from my bank. I say, “I’m glad you’ve come into my bank today because I have a hundred thousand dollars at only twenty-one percent (21%) interest with your name all over it.” Congratulations. Now let’s assume you can borrow that same amount of money at any other bank at four or five percent interest. Is it good news or bad news that I am trying to loan you this money at twenty-one percent interest? Clearly, this is bad news. After recognizing you are about to leave my bank, I offer you two, three, four hundred thousand, even half a million dollars at twenty-one percent interest. Is this better news or worse news? Clearly, this is worse news at twenty one percent interest. The more you borrow from me the more obligated you are to me. The Banker appears to be doing this “for” you, but the more he gives you and you receive from him the deeper in debt and more obligated you become. People who give like this banker… their giving is bad news getting worse.
Now suppose I am a completely different Banker and you want to borrow one hundred thousand dollars. I say, “There is something you don’t know and that is that I have one hundred thousand dollars as a free gift from me to you. Get out of my bank, have a good life, be responsible with it. There are no strings attached. It is your money.” Is this good news or bad news? It is GREAT News! While this is good news, would you feel some sense of obligation toward the Banker? Although the banker has given the money freely, most people would feel some measure of obligation toward the banker.
Let’s say out of the obligation you feel, you deposit the money into his bank so that his bank can benefit from the service fees and use of the money. Now let’s assume a brand new bank has opened near your home and you have moved all of your other accounts to this new bank. It has better banking hours and lifetime free checking and savings. After three months of leaving your money in the Banker’s bank, would you:
Most people would either hesitate to move the money or leave the money in his bank. After several years of leaving your money in his bank, can you see that you might begin resenting that you ever took the money, because you are stuck and trapped and you aren’t free to move the money? If you move the money you will feel selfish and guilty and you might even be afraid that if you see the Banker in the community he would ask you why you moved the money and you will feel exposed, like you owe him an explanation. Let’s say that out of the obligation and resentment, you begin trying to pay the Banker back by doing nice things for him. As time goes by, you do several nice things for the Banker but he doesn’t seem to appreciate anything you’ve done for him. Over time, you realize you are not making any progress toward getting out of this hole of obligation, so you try harder to work your way out of these feelings of indebtedness. You are living your life from Minus Ten to Minus Two, always in the hole toward the banker and never even getting back to Zero with the Banker.
No matter what you do or how hard you try, you can never seem to get rid of the obligation you feel toward the Banker. After years of trying to measure up and be good enough to what you think the banker wants from you, … angry, frustrated, resentful and ultimately in despair… you end the relationship with the Banker, saying “Nothing I ever did was good enough for him.” Now, how does it work that a banker freely gives you one-hundred thousand dollars and you end up angry frustrated, exhausted, but most of all in despair ending the relationship with this banker?
The Banker Analogy applied to Relationships…
Did this second Banker give the money freely? YES, He said, “This is a gift from me to you. Get out of my bank, have a good life, be responsible with it. There are no strings attached. It is your money.” Yes, the Banker gave you the money freely. Now, Did you receive the money freely? NO While you said this is good news, you felt obligated to the Banker. The banker gave it freely, but you received it based on what you think is fair.
Fairness is nothing more than what you owe another person and what you deserve from that person. Now lets dissect this a little further. Did the Banker obligate you or did you obligated yourself? Yes, You obligated yourself. Does the Banker have anything to do with your feelings of obligation? No, nothing at all. After leaving your money in his bank for several years, can you see that some people may begin resenting that they ever took the money because they may feel stuck, trapped and afraid that if the banker sees them in the community he will ask ” Why’d you move the money?” and you’d feel exposed, as if you owe him an explanation. Is your resentment because of the Banker or because of you? Does the Banker have anything to do with your resentment? No, nothing at all. While the Banker doesn’t cause your resentment, you direct your resentment toward the Banker. Doing all kinds of nice things for the banker, you develop an attitude of entitlement trying to get out of this hole with the Banker. Are your efforts to balance the ledger or measure up to what you think the banker wants from you because of the Banker or because of you? Yes, because of you. Does your entitlement have anything to do with the Banker? No, nothing at all.
When you don’t get back from the banker what you feel like you deserve from him, you end the relationship angry, frustrated, exhausted but most of all in despair. Because nothing you ever did was good enough. So the banker gives you one-hundred thousand dollars freely, but you receive the money based on what you think is fair; feeling obligated, resenting that you ever took the money and looking at all you’ve done for the banker you feel like you deserve to be relieved from the obligation you feel by now.
You receive the money on your terms believing you have to balance the ledger of fairness rather than on the bankers terms, receiving the money freely and simply saying “Thank you.” Now let’s look at what would happen if you could get where you’re trying to go by measuring up and being good enough for the banker. Imagine you work really hard to measure up and be good enough to what you think the banker expects from you. After giving all of yourself away to the banker you finally get back to zero with the banker. Would there be more of you or less of you as a result? Yes, there would be less of you. Actually, there wouldn’t be anything of you left because you would have given all of yourself away to the banker, trying to be what you think the Banker expects of you.
People say it this way, “I have lost myself in this relationship. There is no more of me to give. I have given all of myself away in this relationship and I can’t give anything else. I’m done.” Ironically, the more you try to be good enough and to measure up to what YOU believe another person expects or wants from you, the less of you there is to give in the relationship. You lose yourself in the relationship as a result.
Receiving from others based on what you think is fair, leads to obligation, resentment and entitlement and ultimately it leaves you empty inside.
Clearly, This is not where you want to go in your relationship. I call this living below the line. Ultimately, one of the most important components in relationships is how you receive from others. So is There Another Way? What if I told you there is a way to not have to live in obligation, resentment, entitlement and emptiness, but to live in a completely different way? Well, there Is Another Way!!! This new and different way of relating holds the power to transform your life and relationships completely, if you can receive it in the same way it is given: freely! This is the subject of our next video segment.
(Video is at the bottom of this page.) If giving to and receiving from others based on fairness results in obligation, resentment, entitlement and emptiness, how do you prevent obligation, avoid resentment, eliminate entitlement and not end up empty inside? The answer is found in your answers to three questions. First, is life a gift? At […]
(Video is at the bottom of this page.)
If giving to and receiving from others based on fairness results in obligation, resentment, entitlement and emptiness, how do you prevent obligation, avoid resentment, eliminate entitlement and not end up empty inside?
The answer is found in your answers to three questions.
First, is life a gift? At times life’s challenges are heavy and feel like an obligation. Let’s say you gave me a ring and I wore this ring for years. One day, I noticed a strange growth developing just under the ring and the doctor tells me the ring has caused cancer to develop in my finger. While the ring has given me cancer, it will always be a gift from you to me. Life as a gift has many implications. Your children are a gift. Your partner is a gift. Your job is a gift. Yes, you looked for a job, but you didn’t “get” your job, someone gave you a job. So, even your work is a gift. Your friends, home, customers, income, attractiveness, intelligence, health, abilities and disabilities are all gifts. All of life is a gift. Everything you have, you have received.
Receiving life as a gift, you are a steward of the gift rather than its creator or the owner.
Your role in relationship to life’s gifts is to manage those gifts in gratitude rather than attempt to possess them or control them. You might even think that if you paid your house off, it would be yours. Well, Wrong again. Don’t pay the property taxes and the state will auction it off. Not even your house is ultimately yours.
If everything in life is a gift and you are a grateful steward of life’s gifts, then do you, at the very least, consider what the creator or owner wants you to do with the gifts he has entrusted to you. This brings us to the next question.
How do you relate to life’s gifts? Do you relate to life from the framework of what you think is fair? A fairness mentality makes you the ultimate point of reference for what is good enough, requires others to meet your standards of what you think should be or not be and you end up determining the worthiness of another to be in your life based on their compliance with your standards.
Let’s look at an example from parenting: If your son or daughter was asked, “What do you owe your parents for all the years of parenting they’ve given you?” Would you want your child’s answer to be “I owe it to my parents to be a good person” or “I owe my parents everything after all look at all they’ve done for me.” OR would you want your child’s answer to be, “I don’t really owe my parents anything I just love spending time with them.”
If your answer is that you would not want your child owing you anything… but Just love spending time with you, how much more don’t you think that’s God’s answer for His children. Is God like the first banker, who appears generous by offering you increasingly more money, but at such a high interest rate you could never repay him? Or is God like the second banker offering you the money freely: no strings attached? Does a relationship with God free you or obligate you? Have you parented from a framework of fairness or have you given freely to your children?
Obviously, parents can give freely, but children can still receive from a framework of what they think is fair… feeling obligated to their parents and developing a sense of entitlement, children can resent their parents for not appreciating all they’ve done for them. Eventually, children can feel exhausted and empty inside from trying to please, measure up and be good enough to what they believe their parents expect of them.
I didn’t say any of this was rational. It’s the way children receive using the framework of fairness from their parents.
Again, parents may be giving freely, but their children may still be receiving based on what they think is fair. On the other hand, parenting from a framework of what is fair… and wanting children obligated to you comes from fear that if you set them free to make their own choices, they won’t make the choices you’d want them to make, or even do back for you like you’ve done for them. Using fairness as your way of parenting, you attempt to control your children on your terms and from your limited frame of reference rather than allowing them to make mistakes and learn from their mistakes as they mature.
When it comes to a relationship with God, feeling obligated to God is about how you’ve received (on your terms based on what’s fair) rather than how God has given (freely) on HIs terms.
Another way to look at this is: Do you want God giving you what you deserve? NO. Then why would you feel obligated to HIM? Again, because you’ve received based on what you think is fair, owing and deserving, not based on how God gives freely… God loves you because that’s who God is… God is love. God doesn’t love you because of you, God loves you and gives freely to you because of God. You can’t qualify yourself for the gift or disqualify yourself from the gift. In other words, you can’t be good enough for the gift or so bad that you can’t receive His gifts. You can receive God and life’s gifts freely and be transformed from inside out, so that you become aware of HIM as your creator, master and Lord and you as his grateful steward or manager of what he’s given you.
How you receive makes all the difference. Interestingly, the same task can be received as a responsibility or an Obligation.
The opposite of obligation is responsibility or the ability to have a response. What is the difference between obligation and responsibility? Obligation is hard and that burden is heavy because you can never rest. You’ve always got to be on. Responsibility, on the other hand, is easy and that burden is light. Matthew 11: 28-30 says, Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
When my kids were small, my wife would say, those kids need a bath and I would slowly, half-heartedly, minimally drag them upstairs and just barely bathe them because I received the task as an obligation. It was exhausting. Then one day I realized my kids were not always going to be young. My wife would say, those kids need a bath and I would jump up and race them upstairs, splash and giving them a bath was no longer a chore, but an adventure … I embraced the responsibility for giving my kids their baths. While everything else was the same, The difference was in how I received the task. Receiving freely, results in responsibility for the opportunity or gift. Because God created life based on how you receive in relationship to HIM… our part is to receive HIS gifts in gratitude, freely allowing a transformation to occur from inside out. So, What frees you from fairness’ obligation, entitlement, resentment and ultimately feeling empty inside? Again, your answer to this final question is the key to living in this freedom.
Is the Gospel Good News?
What is the gospel? The gospel is that Jesus, God’s one and only son, came to this earth, lived, died, was buried, and resurrected from the dead. He was the sinless Son of God, who did the measuring up and being good enough on your behalf because you can not be good enough or measure up in your ability. In Matthew chapter 5 Jesus, talking to his disciples said, * “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.”
The Law He is referring to is the Ten Commandments. He went on to say, For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. These religious leaders believed they could measure up and be good enough in their own ability. To make his point more clearly, Jesus went on to say, “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, he said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Jesus raised the bar from a behavioral set of do’s and don’ts from the Ten Commandments to a mental and emotional standard that nobody can keep to emphasize that the point is not about keeping a set of rules, or trying to measure up or be good enough but rather having a personal relationship with HIM as the one who has done all the measuring up on your behalf: Given freely and received freely. Jesus, God’s gift to humanity, frees you from the * bondage of fairness’ obligation, resentment, entitlement and emptiness giving you a completely different identity and way of relating to others in life. Because God is love, He wants you to experience intimacy, from your relationship with Him and expressed to your partner and others in your life. If you are exhausted from trying to measure up and be good enough to someone else’s standard that has left you empty inside,
*Jesus turns obligation into responsibility, resentment into gratitude, entitlement into humility and emptiness into contentment. As you submit your life and relationship approach to God’s way of having relationships, what was once dead can be resurrected in ways you never expected! Jesus gave his life freely on the cross … satisfying His Father’s standard of holiness by dying to the need to measure up or be good enough once for all. Now, you neither have to continually try to measure up and be good enough, nor hold others to your standard of what you think is good enough.
Receiving Jesus’ “good enough” in your place, sets you free from what you think is fair to love your partner, children, family and friends from a place of security and intimacy with God that you can’t achieve in your effort. As the righteousness of God in Christ, you are free to give yourself to others and receive freely from others, just as Jesus has given himself to you and receives freely from you. Now, you may still feel like you owe to others and deserve from them, but giving and receiving freely transforms you and your relationships, so that you live wholeheartedly with the creator rather than in your own goodness or efforts at measuring up. This is where intimacy begins.
(Video is at the bottom of this page.) Compromise: Two-Year-Old Thinking The Marriage Action Plan begins with Listening or emptying yourself of your agenda to know your partner.Triangles are the basic building block for all relationships and make up the road on which you are traveling. These lead us to the mile marker … Your […]
(Video is at the bottom of this page.)
Compromise: Two-Year-Old Thinking
The Marriage Action Plan begins with Listening or emptying yourself of your agenda to know your partner.Triangles are the basic building block for all relationships and make up the road on which you are traveling. These lead us to the mile marker … Your Agenda. So what is the agenda you’re to empty yourself of if you’re to have a successful relationship? As I suggested before, if your partner can’t possibly meet your every want and need, how do you live in your partner’s “C” position and still know you are loved? This process begins early in life.
STAGE ONE: Two-Year-Old Thinking
Babies are born egocentric. Everything is about the baby. When a baby cries, mom rushes in and meets her child’s wants and needs because she loves him. When a baby cries, dad calls mom, not really, he meets the child’s wants and needs too. Children understand that parents meet their wants and needs because they love them. At two-years-old in the grocery store a new reality emerges. Waiting in the checkout line, a two-year-old looks at the candy bar rack and demands a candy bar. Mom says, “No.”
Her little darling throws an incredible fit, screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs because he wants the candy bar. He believes his mother should meet his every want and need and if she doesn’t then she must NOT love him.
STAGE ONE SUMMARY:
In couple relationships the application of two-year-old thinking goes this way… If you really love me, you will meet my every want and need … If you don’t meet my every want and need, you must not love me. Obviously, Two-year-old thinking is immature manipulation and does not work in adult relationships. This is the agenda! Let me say it again…the Agenda you are to empty yourself of …. is to get another person to meet your every want and need or keep you in his or her “B” position. But there is another way…
STAGE TWO: Adult Thinking.
As adults we understand that parents meet their children’s wants and needs because they love them AND that mothers tell their children NO because they love them.Each person in a relationship meets their partner’s wants and needs because they love them AND each person in a relationship should be able to tell their partner NO because they love them.
Often the person being told NO believes their partner is telling them NO because their partner does NOT love them. This is two-year-old thinking. For relationships to work, adults must graduate from A two-year-old mentality to adult thinking …How do you trust your partner to meet your wants and needs because they love you and trust your partner loves you when he or she does NOT meet your wants and needs? Is it possible that your partner is loving you by meeting your wants and needs? YES And is it possible that your partner is loving you by NOT meeting your wants and needs? YES.
Sex is always a topic of discussion in relationships. Could your partner’s refusing you sex be because your partner loves you? Yes, it could. Do you throw a two-year-old fit when you don’t get that candy bar? Do you care more about sex than about your partner? Do you want what you want when you want it? Can you empty yourself of that agenda? The adversity, struggle and disappointment that results from not having sex as often as you want … develops perseverance, which in turn creates character.
As each person in a relationship get’s some of their wants or needs met and believes their partner loves them even when they don’t get their wants and needs met, both people grow in the relationship. But this requires listening at an ever increasing level of emptying yourself of your agenda. Stage Two thinking can be thought of as two sources of contentment. The first source of contentment occurs as your partner meets some of your wants and needs.
I compare it to oil in an engine. If you don’t have enough oil in an engine the engine burns up. If you have too much oil in an engine the engine burns up. Just the right amount of affection, time together, kind words, acts of service keeps a relationship running smoothly. The second source of contentment may be compared to the power of an engine. When another tells you “No” you react, get frustrated or angry … which is normal. Having the emotional maturity to listen to your partner, and persevere through the adversity and hardship, this struggle is rewarded with a growing love for each other. The process works this way: Adversity results in perseverance, perseverance results in character or a stronger identity which leads to the hope that you are able to continue to grow as a couple overcoming your differences one step at a time. This is listening.
Eventually, as you look back over the years of life together, you appreciate your partner for not indulging your every want and need and having the courage to tell you NO even when you threw a two-year-old fit. So how does a two-year-old go from believing his mother is telling him NO because she doesn’t love him to believing she tells him NO because she does love him. How does a person grow from a two-year-old mentality to adult thinking in relationships? We will answer this question in our next video segment.
Cooperation: Adult-thinking Let’s review for just a few minutes. From the framework of Compromise, your point of view is THE standard, fear that your partner won’t meet your wants and needs is the underlying motivation to use LEVERAGE as the method of change and relationships are thought of as a ZERO SUM game. Using compromise, […]
Cooperation: Adult-thinking
Let’s review for just a few minutes. From the framework of Compromise, your point of view is THE standard, fear that your partner won’t meet your wants and needs is the underlying motivation to use LEVERAGE as the method of change and relationships are thought of as a ZERO SUM game.
Using compromise, as an approach to having a relationship, couples function with two-year-old thinking. Meeting my wants and needs means you love me, therefore when you don’t meet my every want and need you must not love me. Living behind Door Number One you don’t accept “NO” as an answer or allow for differences in a relationship because it means your partner must not love you. Obviously, two-year-old thinking doesn’t work in an adult relationship. Fortunately, instead of compromise, cooperation works much better. Cooperation is defined as associating for mutual benefit; to act together; a social process in which mutual benefits outweigh disadvantages.
An elementary and simple understanding of relationships relies on compromise, but successful relationships graduate to cooperation. Using cooperation as an approach to having a relationship,
1) Justice is the standard,
2) Trust is the underlying motivation and Humility or self-regulation is the method of change,
3) The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
Let’s walk through each of these characteristics of cooperation.
JUSTICE IS THE STANDARD
Justice begins with the recognition that the BOND that began with caring, appreciation, recognizing boundaries and accommodating each other has turned into a BIND of caring too much, working too hard to keep the relationship together, which results in not appreciating each other, emotionally reacting against each other and discouragement. To do justice, is to discern between what’s yours and what’s your partner’s and return what’s not yours.
Justice implies the rightful ownership of thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions between two people in a relationship. When justice is the standard, you and your partner both assume responsibility for what’s yours and return what’s not yours. This requires knowing what you think and feel and assuming responsibility for your actions and reactions.
For example, when your partner tells you how you feel, what you’re thinking, why you did what you did or speculates on your intent or motives, to do justice is to give all that back to your partner. Now that was a mouth full. Let me say it a different way. Recognizing you are responsible for your thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions means you and your partner acknowledge you don’t know each other’s thoughts, feelings, motives or intent. So, to say, “You did this or that because… ” oversteps the boundary between you and your partner because you actually don’t know why your partner did this or that…
Again, “no two people are ever in the same relationship.” How your partner experiences you is completely different from how you experience your partner. For example, two people may laugh at the same joke, but be laughing for completely different reasons. When Justice is the standard both people are competent to share their thoughts openly, honestly and respectfully even when it means disagreeing or being different from each other. As you were growing up in your family, were you able to share you thoughts and feelings openly, honestly and respectfully and still be a good son or daughter? Yes or No? Now today, are you able to share your thoughts and feelings openly, honestly and respectfully and still be a good husband or wife; boyfriend or girlfriend? Clearly, to the extent that you were able to be different, disagree or be yourself in your family, that is the extent to which you are able to be different, disagree and be yourself in your marriage. The two go together.
Let me give you a few examples. If you feel like you were not heard as a child, you may insist on being heard or need to be validated as an adult today. Ever known someone who just couldn’t be quiet, it could have been they were never allowed to speak up as a child.
If you feel like you were not understood as a child, you may insist on being understood in your present day relationships. For example, a husband becomes enraged when his wife tells him why he did something, when his motive was completely different. His reaction to his wife comes from not being understood as a chid.
If you feel like you were responsible for conflict between your parents growing up, you may want to avoid conflict or keep the peace in your relationship today.
You give and receive from the framework of Fairness or Justice. With fairness as your standard, you ask the question, “What did I do to make you do this or that?” assuming your partner’s thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions are because of you when they may have very little if anything to do with you. With Justice as your standard, you ask the question,”What triggered such a response in you?” assuming your partners thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions are because of their history of experiences and are not about or because of you.
With Justice as your standard, you assume your partner’s emotional reactions occur because he or she cares too much rather than not enough. While using fairness as your standard, you assume your partner’s emotional reactions occur because he or she doesn’t care enough and should try harder to keep the relationship together. From the framework of Justice recognizes that each person brings their history into the relationship is trying to get something from their partner they didn’t get from growing-up relationships.
Fairness begins with the assumption that you deserve more than you’re getting from your partner based on all you’ve already done “for” your partner. For example, from fairness, your partner may be angry that you used a harsh tone of voice, thinking, I don’t deserve to be treated that way. While using justice, your partner gives the reasons for your tone of voice back to you, neither taking it personally nor reacting to you, thinking you must be upset about something.
Fairness diminishes differences while Justice values and recognizes differences between you and your partner. Relationships based on what you think is fair builds a case against your partner and fosters competition. Justice, on the other hand, releases any claim you might have against your partner and fosters humility, responsibility and cooperation.
TRUST IS THE UNDERLYING MOTIVATION AND HUMILITY OR SELF-REGULATION IS THE METHOD OF CHANGE.
Fairness measures success in terms of balancing the ledger between what you give and what you receive in return “for” your efforts, while Justice measures progress in terms of trusting that giving back what’s not yours… you will be OK because your security is not in your partner, but in your relationship with your Creator.
Fairness is the pathogen that never tells itself NO and doesn’t learn from it’s mistakes. Justice is the inoculation that creates antibodies of humility and responsibility. John was upset with Nancy because she had a strong emotional reaction just before he was to leave on a business trip. He left scratching his head thinking, “why in the world did she go off the deep end like that?” Thinking about her reaction, he realized how he’d not been as protective of her at a dinner party they’d attended the night before.
John called Nancy apologized for not being as protective of her as he should have been and told her that had he been more present for her the night before, that her reaction the next morning would never have happened. Nancy apologized to John for being so angry and reactive. She admitted her comments were wrong and she appreciated that he understood what she needed from him. John trusted that taking on full-responsibility for not protecting Nancy the night before, she would also take on full responsibility for her reaction to him.
Just as John gave Nancy’s emotional reaction back to her and took on the full weight of responsibility for his neglect, Nancy, was able to give John’s negligence back to him and assume responsibility for her emotional reactivity. John told Nancy that his love for her had grown because of their experience. Nancy said, she respected John for the strength he exhibited through his vulnerability.
Trusting each other took on a whole new meaning in their relationship because Justice was their standard.
THE WHOLE IS GREATER THAN THE SUM OF THE PARTS
DOOR NUMBER TWO: ADULT THINKING…
As adults we understand that parents meet their children’s wants and needs because they love them AND that mothers tell their children NO because they love them. Each person in a relationship meets their partner’s wants and needs because they love them AND each person in a relationship should be able to tell their partner NO because they love them.
Telling your partner NO can occur in all kinds of ways from not going to the grocery store to challenging your partner’s rationalizations about spending too much money. Take a minute and think about the last time you and your partner had a spat or argument. How did you react? Did you empty yourself of your agenda more than you thought you should have to?
Most of the time, emptying yourself of your agenda looks like being still and saying nothing in reply to your partner because most of the time, saying anything in those first few moments is going to be from a defensive or emotionally reactive stance. Often the person being told NO believes their partner is telling them NO because their partner does NOT love them. This can be two-year-old thinking. For relationships to work, adults must graduate from A two-year-old mentality to adult thinking …
DOOR NUMBER TWO Can be thought of as two sources of contentment. The first source of contentment occurs as your partner meets some of your wants and needs. This is placing your partner in your “B” position. I compare it to oil in an engine. If you don’t have enough oil in an engine the engine burns up. If you have too much oil in an engine the engine burns up. Just the right amount of oil in an engine or affection, time together, kind words, acts of service keeps a relationship running smoothly.
The second source of contentment can be compared to the power of an engine. This is the “C” position in your relationship. When your partner tells you “No” you react, get frustrated or angry … which is normal. Having the emotional maturity to be angry, and continue to humbly look at yourself is the key. What does this mean? Being angry, while uncomfortable is normal, but if you stay there and never empty yourself of your agenda to consider what your partner is saying, all you have are two angry people who end up in a counselor’s office claiming they can’t communicate. Moving beyond your initial anger, frustration or irritability and emptying yourself of your agenda more than you ever thought you should have to in order to hear and consider your partner’s comments begins the process of developing intimacy in your relationship.
The process works this way: Adversity or not getting what you want when you want it, results in perseverance, perseverance or stamina results in character or a stronger identity which leads to the hope that you are able to continue to grow individually and as a couple overcoming your differences one step at a time. Putting your pride aside and considering that your partner is telling you something you don’t want to hear because he or she loves you takes courage to allow your partner to speak into your life.
Focusing on the process of embracing adversity, enduring the struggle, developing character or integrity and experiencing the hope of intimacy leads to knowing your partner and being known by your partner.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1) How do you give without expecting or wanting something in return?
2) How is giving from the framework of fairness different from giving from a framework of justice?
3) How do you do justice if another person is operating from fairness?
4) Aren’t these just ideas rather than practical ways of having a relationship?
5) Is it possible to really change from a mentality of fairness to justice while in a relationship?
(Video is at the bottom of this page.) The basic building block in the human body is a cell. Human beings have many different types of cells … brain cells, liver cells, skin cells, heart cells. Well, The basic building block of relationships is the triangle. Relationships are made up of triangles with three different […]
(Video is at the bottom of this page.)
The basic building block in the human body is a cell. Human beings have many different types of cells … brain cells, liver cells, skin cells, heart cells. Well, The basic building block of relationships is the triangle. Relationships are made up of triangles with three different positions, “A”, “B” and “C”.
You are at “A” in your life and are always at “A” in your life. You are responsible for deciding who or what is in your “B” and “C” positions. At “A”, you and only you decide who or what is in your “B” position. “B” is the position of priority, value, and commitment. Two people in a relationship want to be at “B” in their partner’s life. Whomever you place at “B,” then everybody else and everything else goes to the “C” position. “C” is on the outside of A and B and often results in anxiety or fear of being left out. While “B” is the position of priority in another person’s life; most people interpret “C” as the position of not getting your wants and needs met.
As stated, you are always in the “A” position in your life, you initially met your partner and put him or her in your “B” position … and everybody else and everything else, you put in the “C” position. A Bond began to form that was fresh, alive, vital and vibrant as you both worked to meet your partner’s every want and need … keeping him or her in the “B” position in your life. As your relationship progresses, the bond that developed at the beginning of your relationship turns into a bind. The relationship turns from a bond where you are both at each other’s “B” position to a bind where you are at each others “C” position. How did the bond that was so fresh, vital and alive turn into a bind so suffocating that you sometimes consider leaving the relationship?
In the ebb and flow of relationships, is it possible to meet every want and need of your partner? NO, it’s not possible. So, if it’s not possible to continually keep your partner in your “B” position, how do you occasionally put your partner in your “C” position and keep the relationship together? Another way to ask this is in areas that are important to you, can you allow your partner to disagree with you putting you in his or her “C” position and:
Still believe the best about your partner?
Still believe your partner loves you?
Still be OK in the relationship?
One way to answer this question is that the way to be OK in the relationship is to openly, honestly, and respectfully disagree with your partner or allow for differences between the two of you especially in areas that are important to you. As you empty yourself of your agenda, you increasingly value the “C” position and the “B” position in your partner’s life. Both places are important in your relationship just for different reasons. Keeping your partner in your “B” position demonstrates your willingness to care for your partner by taking initiative, accommodating your partner and making him or her your priority. Occasionally living in your partner’s “C” position demonstrates your maturity, ability to trust your partner’s decisions, even when you disagree.
Listening, you allow your partner’s ideas and thoughts to be in his or her “B” position and being OK in the “C” position, you empty yourself of your agenda or even the need to agree with your partner. Agreeing to disagree is a form of listening… because you live in your partner’s “C” position and are OK at the same time.
The classic example of how relationships are built in triangles occurs when a couple has a their first baby. Mom is at “A” in her life, she has her newborn infant at “B” and her husband in her “C” position. Of course, Dad is at “A” in his life, and has his wife in his “B” position and their newborn in his “C” position. Yes, he loves his child and his wife. But he wants his wife in his “B” position. This man, husband and new dad has to navigate life in his wife’s “C” position more than he may want to, because their newborn needs his mother’s attention and there’s just not enough of her to go around.
His relational stamina, perseverance and endurance are tested when a child is introduced into their relationship. Marital satisfaction plummets when a couple has a baby because mom has difficulty placing her new baby in her “C” position without feeling guilty and dad can feel angry because he’s keeping his wife in his “B” position but he isn’t her priority. How can she put her husband at “B” and her child at “C” without feeling guilty? She can’t unless she recognizes the value of the “C” position for her children.
John and Nancy found this struggle particularly difficult when their first baby came along. John was working long hours and Nancy was always exhausted. While they were up to the task of having a baby, the sleepless nights and daily job demands stretched them so thin all they wanted to do was sleep when they had a spare minute.
As their son grew to be two-years-old, John began to recognize that Nancy had very little ability to tell him NO or place him in her “C” position. Of course, this kept John in Nancy’s “C” position while their son was at “B” in her life. John recognized he needed to empty himself of his tendency to escape into his work which kept Nancy in his “C” position. Doing a better job of keeping her in his “B” position opened the door for Nancy to re-establish her connection with John rather than getting her emotional needs met through caring for their son.
You are always at “A” in your life and to have a successful relationship, you learn that the “B” position and the “C” position have value just in different ways. Being flexible and able to be ok in either the “B” or the “C” position is important for successful relationships.
(Video is at the bottom of this page.) Relationships begin with listening? An older lady came into the office and as we began our first session, I asked her what she wanted from her visit. She said, I want my husband to listen to me. I asked her to clarify her definition of “listening.” Very seriously […]
(Video is at the bottom of this page.)
Relationships begin with listening? An older lady came into the office and as we began our first session, I asked her what she wanted from her visit. She said, I want my husband to listen to me. I asked her to clarify her definition of “listening.” Very seriously she said, “Well, obviously just do what I say.” Obviously, we had completely different definitions of listening.
Listening is emptying yourself of your agenda to hear and know your partner. It has three components: (1) Emptying Yourself; (2) Your Agenda; (3) To Hear and Know Your Partner.
(1) Emptying Yourself. The first step to listen more effectively involves humility. Emptying yourself is releasing your assumptions about your partner to receive what he or she is saying. If you assume you know what your partner is going to say, you may be wrong.
(2) Your Agenda. While every person in a relationship has a different agenda, common thought processes associated with each person’s agenda prevent listening. The most common thought process that must be released has to do with fairness or what you believe you deserve from your partner. Holding onto what you “deserve” from your partner is another word for entitlement and eliminates gratitude for your partner.
(3) To Hear and Know Your Partner. The only way to know your partner is to hear your partner. Relationships begin with listening as each person hears what their partner says, but more importantly learns who he or she is as a person. If hearing is contaminated by your assumptions and agenda you may not know your partner over time.
The link below takes you to two video’s I’ve completed on listening. The first video explores the concept of emptying yourself and how humility plays an important part in listening, while the second video focuses on the agenda’s we hold to and how they can prevent hearing and knowing your partner. Hope they help you listen.
